February 6, 2013 § 12 Comments
Greetings From the Government
The two government officials from the State Department or Homeland Security or something like that arrived in a dark gray Ford Explorer. They flashed their badges and gave me their names but I wasn’t even listening. I was too busy staring at the buzz cuts and mirror sunglasses. It was cold and cloudy when they showed up at my jobsite.
“Do you go by the handle, Willgeefil?” the one asked.
“Well, ah, yes, yes I do. Have you read my work? Are you Hollywood agents?”
“No sir. We’re investigating the improper use of the United States Postal Service for the use of intimidation and extortion.”
“What’s this all about?” I said.
“Did you mail these four Christmas Cards out yesterday?”
“Oh that. Yes, yes I did. Did you read them? They’re kind of funny, aren’t they?”
“Yeah, we read them. Can you explain what this is all about so we can make a report?”
“Sure. It’s a joke. You know, like a fake Christmas card or something. It’s like this. It’s still October and I got these Christmas cards from some organization or another. Well my wife was just going to throw them out, well actually recycle them, so I said that I’d take them and mail them out to friends as a gag. You know, because not only don’t I do Christmas cards but I don’t do Christmas either. So it’s a joke. You see?”
“No. That’s not the problem. The problem is the handwritten note inside the cards has four different versions of the same type of message. We want to know why.”
“I told you, it’s a joke. For example, one card goes like this.”
My train will arrive at 3:40 on the 6th. Meet me at the station. I may need help with my bags because I’m planning on staying with you for a while.
“The other cards have variations on that same theme but they all have that basic idea. So I don’t understand why the government is reading my cards or why you’re interested in such a lousy gag.”
“We got a report from the lady at the post office with the long fingernails that some suspicious activity was occurring with these cards so we drove up from DC this morning to investigate it. She stated that you were laughing and acting like a fool when you mailed these cards. She thought it strange that a man with a long gray beard dressed like a homeless person would be mailing off Christmas cards in October laughing like a lunatic. We have to check these out, you know. Sorry to bother you.”
“Anytime Captain. Leave me your business card and I’ll send you a Christmas card with some baby powder on it so everyone in your office will think its Anthrax.”